I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
