Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
