speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
