thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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