i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
