Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
