I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize