You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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