No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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