Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
