I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
