So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
