Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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