Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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