plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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