i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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