Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
