My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
