just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
