I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
