if you like me you must not know who I am
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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