it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
