im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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