I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
