I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
