Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
