His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
