imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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