The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
