I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
