plz talk dirty to me
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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