I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
