new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
