i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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