Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
