I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
