I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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