Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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