You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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