My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
