Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
