Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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