god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
