So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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