I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
