pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
