It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
