she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
