I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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