You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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