Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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