Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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