I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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