Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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