I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
