Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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