he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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