I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I skipped work to stalk him.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
