When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
